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Medically Reviewed By: Lauren Guilbeault. Another possibility is that you met someone recently and wondered if they like you as more than a friend. Other times, you want to know if someone likes you before you make a move or take things forward. It could be an office buddy or a male friend you recently started getting close to. Maybe you like him and are interested in dating him, but you are not sure if the feeling is mutual. Look out for these s; he likes you as more than a friend so that you can be sure to know where the relationship and friendship are heading.


12 s he wants to be more than friends

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More than friends

Create a link to share a read only version of this article with your colleagues and friends. Please read and accept the terms and conditions and check the box to generate a sharing link. There is more than one pathway to romance, but relationship science does not reflect this reality. Our research reveals that relationship initiation studies published in popular journals Study 1 and cited in popular textbooks Study 2 overwhelmingly focus on romance that sparks between strangers and largely overlook romance that develops between friends.

This limited focus might be justified if friends-first initiation was rare or undesirable, but our research reveals the opposite. These studies affirm that friends-first initiation is a prevalent and preferred method of romantic relationship initiation that has been overlooked by relationship science. We discuss possible reasons for this oversight and consider the implications for dominant theories of relationship initiation. I have never been on a date and probably never will…I have always done the friends-to-lovers pathway, where you just start sleeping with your best friend and then move in…Sometimes I really regret this, and get jealous of people who get pretty and put on their best selves, and go outside to have adventures with strangers.

According to online blogger, elodieunderglassthere are at least two ways to initiate a romantic relationship. Any self-respecting consumer of popular culture or gossip at the local coffee shop will recognize the truth of these descriptions. Movies, television, popular media, and most groups of friends abound with examples of strangers striking up a conversation at a social function and then falling in love during a series of romantic excursions, or slow-blooming attractions between friends that eventually reveal themselves in late-night cathartic conversations and make-out sessions.

Yet despite the cultural ubiquity of both of these pathways to romantic love, we have noticed that relationship science focuses almost exclusively on the former, which we call dating initiation. Indeed, in the 20 years that we have been studying these processes, we have encountered only a few published empirical studies in social and personality science that explore the friends-to-lovers pathway to romance, which we call friends-first initiation. For example, researchers have devoted considerable attention to studying the initial spark of attraction that kindles between two strangers meeting for the first time.

Or, to be perfectly accurate, researchers have devoted considerable attention to studying the spark of attraction that kindles when someone views a photograph, re a brief biography, or views a list of traits that may be possessed by a potential romantic partner. However, as Eastwick and colleagues point out, a lot can happen between a spark of attraction and maintaining a committed romantic relationship.

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There are valid reasons why researchers may neglect to study relationship initiation beyond the moments of initial attraction. Simply put, it is hard. Relationship initiation may occur in private places like homes or workplaces that are difficult for researchers to access. Meeting a new romantic partner may occur randomly and spontaneously, or romance may emerge from a long-term friendship. In contrast, paradigms that enhance scientific control e. Yet beyond these practical constraints, we also suggest that efforts to study relationship initiation may have been hampered by cultural scripts that shape, and sometimes limit, scientific inquiry.

Cultural scripts are cognitive structures that organize how people understand and remember important life events, including romantic experiences e.

What if we’re not just friends?

For example, the Western dating script explains the series of stereotyped actions that people should take to initiate a relationship e. We suggest that these cultural biases may have hampered efforts to understand the varied pathways that lead to romance. Relationship scientists have long understood that there are at least two kinds of intimacy e. One is friendship-based intimacy, which is a cognitive and emotional experience comprising psychological interdependence, warmth, and understanding, related to the companionate love that nurtures long-term intimate bonds.

The other is passion-based intimacywhich is a primarily emotional experience comprising romance and positive arousal, related to the passionate love that typifies novel, and often sexual, relationships. However, in her biobehavioral model of sexual orientation, Diamond convincingly argues that while emotional affection i.

Thus, even though sexual desire can precede and even nurture friendship-based intimacy, as the dating script prescribes, the opposite can also occur: Two people can become friends, develop a deep friendship-based intimacy and then begin to experience sexual desire at some future point in time. Now, the dating script might suggest that such friendships are not truly platonic, and concealed passionate desire is the true motivation behind such bonds. When this happens, the friends may decide not to act on their passion Bleske-Rechek et al. Thus, most friendships that eventually transition to romance must follow a different path.

Furthermore, Eastwick and colleagues note that the few studies examining the trajectory of early romance suggest that people often know one another for months or even years before they officially enter couplehood. Although it was not the primary focus of the research, two longitudinal studies of romantic relationships between men and women report that a meaningful proportion began as friendships Eastwick et al.

The friends-to-lovers pathway to romance: prevalent, preferred, and overlooked by science

In Studies 1 and 2, we systematically code the literature on relationship initiation to determine how often researchers study dating versus friends-first initiation. In Study 3, we seek to establish the prevalence of friends-first initiation with a meta-analysis of seven studies that we have conducted, involving nearly 1, participants. We also explore group differences in the prevalence of friends-first initiation i.

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MTurk workers], education level, ethnicity, gender composition of the coupleand we explore the prevalence of friends-with-benefits relationships among now-married friends-first initiators. In Study 4, we delve deeper by exploring how long university students were friends prior to couplehood and whether they entered those friendships to facilitate an eventual romance. If our descriptive and exploratory reveal that friends-first initiation is a prevalent and preferred method of relationship initiation that is relatively overlooked in relationship science, it will suggest that researchers need to revisit the validity of dominant models of relationship formation, all of which were devised based on research that likely focuses almost exclusively on dating initiation, and all of which may operate very differently during friends-first initiation.

More than friends collection

For example, one of the only in-depth studies of friendship initiation to date revealed that assortative mating for physical attractiveness was much weaker among friends-first initiators compared to dating initiators Hunt et al. Friendship-based intimacy is also the foundation of long-lasting romantic bonds VanderDrift et al. In addition, exploring the transition from friendship to romance reveals the messy reality of relationship initiation, which belies the orderly sexual scripts that dominate Western culture.

We will return to these issues in the Discussion, but in general, we suspect that by overlooking friends-first initiation, psychologists may have a surprisingly limited understanding of how people actually form romantic relationships. In Study 1, we systematically coded the literature on relationship initiation to determine how often researchers study dating versus friends-first initiation. Research assistants and the first author searched the PsycInfo database for empirical publications pertaining to relationship initiation using the following search terms: relationship initiation; relationship-initiation; date initiation; first date; relationship overture; first date overture; date overture; relationship beginning; initial interaction; attraction; friendship; friends with benefits.

Thus, our search was not intended to provide a complete overview of the field; we code a sampling of articles concerning relationship initiation, and our presumably could generalize to other journals. We excluded articles about mate poaching, cheating, and the temptation to cheat, and articles concerning mate preferences and attraction when they examined these processes in abstract or without reference to a particular person or relationship e.

We excluded these subjects in part to restrict our search to a more manageable scope, but also because our initial searches of the literature led us to conclude that these fields often use hypothetical or abstract methods e. As such, the excluded topics appear to exclusively study dating initiation i. We also excluded articles about friends-with-benefits relationships that did not describe the transition to romance actual or planned.

This search revealed relevant empirical publications. One research assistant coded the first 64 publications and the second coded 31 of those publications to establish interrater reliability. The first and third authors both coded the remaining 44 publications.

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Coders recorded the type of interpersonal relationship that was the focus of each publication: romance, friendship, relationships in general i. Disagreements between the coders were resolved by the second author. These suggest that researchers largely overlook friends-first initiation and overwhelmingly focus on dating initiation in their empirical study of relationship initiation articles are listed in the OSM. Table 1. Table 2.

5 couples who went from “just friends” to “more than friends”

Next, we searched two popular close relationships textbooks and systematically coded the cited literature on relationship initiation to determine the extent to which education about relationship initiation focuses on dating versus friends-first initiation. Eight of the 43 articles were coded in Study 1 see OSM ; we imported those codes for this analysis.

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Two research assistants coded five articles and the first and third authors coded the remaining 38 publications for type of relationship initiation and initiation context. Disagreements were resolved by the second author. Once again, these suggest that relationship science focuses on dating initiation and largely overlooks friends-first initiation articles are listed in the OSM.

Next, we sought to establish the prevalence of friends-first initiation. We performed a meta-analysis of seven studies conducted in our labs. In each, participants indicated if they were friends with their current or a past romantic partner before they became romantically involved.

In all studies, the data that we report have not been published ly and were collected as part of the demographic survey prior to any experimental manipulations if present; publications reporting other data from these samples are described in the OSM. Samples 1—5 were undergraduate students living in two regions in Canada who received partial course credit in appreciation for their time.

Samples 6 and 7 included crowdsourced adults living in Canada or the United States who received a small monetary reward in appreciation for their time.

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We report the sampling and exclusion rules for each sample in the OSM. Because data for Studies 1—6 were conducted before current open science norms were adopted, we do not have consent to share participant data. Data for Sample 7 are available in the OSM. Detailed sample demographics are reported in the OSM.

Sample 1. Sample 1 comprised 60 introductory psychology students who were single Sample 2. Sample 2 comprised 92 introductory psychology students who were currently involved in a romantic relationship. Participants reported whether they were friends with their current romantic partner before they became romantically involved yes or no.

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Sample 3.

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